Both Sides Now: Coming Out & Coming To Terms With My Sexuality

June is LGBT Pride Month, so I figured it would be more than apropos to share my own "coming out" story as a gay individual. Now, I say "coming out" in quotations because it was more of a slow, wistful slither for me. I didn't want to be gay. I even didn't know that people could be gay until I started hearing it as an insult. Needless to say, for me, coming out to myself was enormously more difficult than to others. A lot of us feel this way. 

Growing up, I had this complex that most gay guys do; You convince yourself you are attracted to girls because you think they're pretty, you like their fashion sense and honestly that's all you've ever been taught. Your friends talk about all the girls they like so you assume you're having the same feelings. But the truth is, you don't like girls, you want to be their best friend. I had this mindset well into middle school and was brainwashed to think that one day, I would grow up and marry a girl and live happily ever after with our 5 kids. I think it's a requirement of every closeted gay pre-teen to go through the phase of wanting a lot of kids. 

This is what I looked like.

This takes me to middle school. Puberty. I was probably around 13 years old when I started experiencing serious and clear-cut thoughts about sex and sexuality. Around this time, I conveniently and inevitably started noticing the guys around me in my school. I started to develop and recognize what type of boy I liked looking at and liked being around. Naturally, I completely ignored these feelings and justified them at any cost. "I'm not in love with him or anything, I just think he's cool!" I didn't want to be gay. 

So I continued to suppress these feelings and lie to myself up until 9th grade, where I proclaimed (to no one except myself, of course) that I was bisexual. This gave me the ability to guiltlessly continue my infatuation with the boy who invaded my fantasies since the day they started. This also acted as a sort of insurance policy, letting me be into guys now, then one day settle down with a wife and finally actualize into the perfect son my parents always said I would be! Perfect!

I did this for about a year, and by tenth grade, when I felt that I had a secure enough friend group, I "came out" to them. I didn't really come out as bi, I think my exact words were "not straight." There was something comforting in their lukewarm reception of the news, especially that one boy who I had lusted after for years (who at this point, actually became one of my best friends). I also told two of teachers, who were eager to tell me that they didn't care. I didn't freak them out or anything, and they seemed to know this was coming. This gave me the green light to start openly talking about my attraction towards guys, and most excitingly, start pursuing them. I should also mention that this was after the fact that I "dated" my best friend at the time who was a girl. Unsurprisingly, that relationship (if you can even call it that) went down in flames. 

I'm around 17 now. I'm still mildly in love with my straight guy best friend and I'm tired of waiting for the other gay guys at school to finally come out. I download Grindr onto my iPhone 6s and am immediately enamored by the amount of guys in my area who are also into guys. This is a complete dopamine farm. That being said, it wasn’t long before I, being a new face in a world of headless torsos, started to get noticed. I would message guys that I thought were cute but I knew that nothing would ever come of it because I wasn’t really out and I didn’t have a car so it’s not like I could sneak around. 

That didn’t stop me from talking to guys that were years and years older than me. Looking back, I think that seeing all these guys online who were happily out of the closet and didn’t hate themselves for being gay really helped me accept myself. Eventually, I decided to actually take this one boy's offer to go on date. He was older, had a car and was willing to drive anywhere, and I thought he was really attractive at the time. Even though I thought it would be cool to have a little secret boyfriend, I knew that would probably hurt one of us in the long run, so I figured it was time to cut the bullshit and come out to my mother. 

Me in my bathroom getting ready for the infamous date. Looking extra puffy.

So, the day comes where I decide it would be a perfect time to tell my mom I'm gay, and going on a date, with an older boy, who's driving. I told my friend who was living with us at the time and she was so excited which only made me exorbitantly more nervous. For some reason, her, my mom and I went to iHop that night. Yes, I came out of the closet in an iHop. I never actually said the words "I'm gay," I sort of just weaved it into the conversation by saying "So I got asked out on a date. By a guy. I said 'yes???'" My mother's immediate reaction was "Oh! So are you just curious?" I know she didn't mean to invalidate my years of silent suppression and questioning, but when she said that, I immediately became defensive. So, my advice for a reaction similar to my mother's is to not do that, and understand that this is news for your parents. Other than that, coming out to my mother went extremely well (like I knew it would). 

From then on, I sort of just casually came out to others in my life. Life went on and nothing changed, just how I wanted it to. I went on another date with that guy before finding out he had another boyfriend of two years. Obviously, it wasn't too soon after that, that I started looking for a real relationship. I eventually met my boyfriend who I'm still with two years later. Once I realized that he wasn't going to leave and that nothing catastrophic would happen anytime soon, I decided I better come out to my dad before he finds out through someone else. My dad lives about 45 minutes away from me and at the time I was only seeing him about once a week. I didn't really know how to bring my gayness up in conversation and I absolutely hated the idea of "coming out" and declaring that I was gay with him (I still think it's ridiculous that we are expected "come out" at all, honestly). So, I did what any non-confrontational Gen Z would do, and text him:

"I want you to meet my boyfriend"
"OK" 

And the next time I saw him, he did meet my boyfriend. It wasn't weird. There was no static or anything like that. But I knew there wouldn't be.

Currently, most people in my life know about my sexuality. If it comes up, I tell them, but I have never felt the need to announce that I am attracted to men. No one should have to feel like they have to. 

"Tears and fears and feeling proud, to say "I love you" right out loud. Dreams and schemes and circus crowds. I've looked at life that way. But now old friends they're acting strange. They shake their heads, they say I've changed. Well something's lost, but something's gained in living every day. I've looked at life from both sides now." -Joni Mitchell

With all of this being said, I need to remind whoever is reading this that this has been my own experience. Some people know they're gay in kindergarten, others realize in their teens and have this sort of mystic and covert coming of age experience like I did, and other people never know, or at least never allow themselves to realize. I wish I had more to say on what it's like to come out to others, but the best advice I have for that is to keep it laid-back and do not do it until you're ready. You don't owe this to anyone. The hardest person to come out to was myself.